Five Things (You Didn't Know) About Me.

13 January 2007  •  Filed under

With the whole of north Texas on the cusp of what all the TV stations are dubbing The Arctic Blast™, I figure I’ve got all the time I need to write that meme Nathan sent me like forever ago.

So without further ado, here are five things you really didn’t know about me:

  1. In June of 1215, I wrote the Magna Carta. Yes, the document that is heralded by such fine sources as Wikipedia as “one of the most important legal documents in the history of democracy.” Blah blah blah. Hey, times were tough. As if it wasn’t bad enough that King “Dysentary” John was handing out tickets to whoever walked through his precious forest anyway he didn’t like, I think he was planning on taxing my wenches. My wenches, I tell you! Clearly, the man had to be stopped, and I didn’t have a kettle big enough to hold the amount of boiling oil equal to my indignation. So I borrowed a sheep from Baron Steve across the bog from my castle, flattened it into some parchment and the rest is history. Thou art welcome.
  2. I discovered America. I know what you’re thinking: Columbus discovered America, or is at least credited with it. No, no, and no again. Truth of the matter is, my ship — The Magic Pony — caught up with Chris’s fleet about 20 days out from Spain. Columbus, being a bit of a betting man (and a braggart), started boasting about how awesome his sails were and how they were “filled with the winds of destiny” and some such. Then he challenged me to a race, which I won because I “harnessed the winds of destiny” while he was busy tinkling off the port bow. Pwned.
  3. I’ve met Noah. Right, the guy who built the giant ship and created the first and only floating zoo. And you know what? He’s not the Debbie Downer the Bible makes him out to be. Sure, he had to call a lot of people sinners. But check it out: he saved the Lesser White-Nosed Guenon. You can’t do something like that with a straight face. Too bad about those ligers, though. We ran out of sweet rolls after 31 days and 32 nights, and I don’t have to tell you how that story ended…
  4. I discovered fire. Haha, just kidding. That would be ridiculous, right? I mean, how in the world would I have done that? But I did invent the wheel, and subsequently the Michelin Man. Look it up.
  5. I am a time-travelling cyborg. And before you ask: yes, Terminator was based on my life story. Except in real life, I didn’t go back in time to kill John Connor. I go back in time to kidnap the defective T-DUBYA model and prevent it from becoming president. Unfortunately, Terminator model T-CHENEY intercepted and shot me in the face, which pretty much derailed that plan.

I hope ya learned something new about me. I know I did!


Tim Benzinger » 13 January 2007 #

I am speechless. I think you just made me smarter.

Nathan Smith » 13 January 2007 #

You didn’t invent fire? Sheesh, what a let-down.

matthew smith » 13 January 2007 #

Either its late and I’m in the nacho zone and so I laughed at your post like a silly little girl at a slumber party, or it really was funny. If you get a chance to hear Jonathan Goldsteins Version of the Arc story (act 3) you might compare it with yours, and see whose got the goods on Noah. Nice one Jared.

Wade Winningham » 14 January 2007 #

With your significant contributions to society, and considering your initials are J.C., maybe we should petition the government to declare your birthday a national holiday called Christensenmas.

Jeff Adams » 16 January 2007 #

That’s the funniest thing I have read in a long time. Thanks for Dr. Pepper coming out the nose. Sheesh.

Keith » 16 January 2007 #

Goldstein’s version of the Ark story is good, but I like Seth Green’s version better (starts about 10 seconds into the video).

© Jared Christensen

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