Jared Christensen

Abel Is Dead.

27 January 2006 • Filed under Humor

You may remember Abel as the guy whose website ~~has been~~ was permanently glued to the front page of CSS Vault for the past 6 months (or more). Such exposure is definitely not for the faint of heart, and after reading scores of emails which astutely pointed out validation errors on airios.com, Abel’s head must have exploded, because his site has not been updated in months.

I emailed Abel to see what was going on. Why no new content, bro? I received the following email response:

------------------------
Dear Jared,
I'm dead.
Best,
Abel
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Egads! Through a wacky twist in the time/space continuum, the Aurora Borealis, and the inextricable link formed between man and computer by unnatural amounts of World of Warcraft gameplay, Abel had apparently succeeded in responding to his email backlog from beyond the grave! Siezing the opportunity to learn about the state of geekdom in The Great Beyond, I dared to ask the tough questions in a volley of jocular messages:

Jared: So, Abel. How did you die?

Abel: My head exploded.

Jared: I see. Hopefully it’s grown back. How’s it going otherwise?

Abel: Pretty good actually. Heaven is an interesting place. Even Downy is softer here. I feel as if it’s all a dream. But it’s not, because no one sleeps — probably because it’s daytime all the time.

Jared: So how are you keeping up to date with the living?

Abel: I keep up with what’s going on down there through my RCS (Really Celestial Syndication) feeds, using ILMS (Integrated Life Mapping Sockets). I’ve tagged all my family, friends and loved ones, and get daily updates as to what is going on in their lives.

Jared: So I gather you don’t get email there?

Abel: Yeah, traditional email is practically non-existent here, because it’s too slow. And has too many dang viruses. Instead, we have what’s called, um, how do I put this… pretty much omnipotent powers. Yeah, I’m in constant sync with my mailserver. It’s the bomb.

Jared: So what’s the dress code like?

Abel: No one here wears the white robes that you’d think they’d wear. White beards and sandals are optional, at least that’s what I was told on orientation day. I still haven’t figured it all out, so for now it’s jeans and tees for me. Threadless tees will get you a high five from The Big Man.

Jared: Abel, we all want to know: is heaven standards-compliant?

Abel: Standards?

Jared: Oh, come on man!

Abel: *Nods

Jared: I’d like to think the answer to this is obvious, but does God rule the universe with a Mac or a PC?

Abel: In all honesty, God loves Windows. As much as he likes the gooey sweet interface of the Mac, he still prefers the simplicity of Windows. But heaven is pretty much open source, so you have your choice of OS.

Jared: Windows? Seriously? I think you just destroyed my faith. Though Windows ruling the universe does explain how George Bush got re-elected. Oh, yes. I went there.

Abel: Heaven has no comment on that one.

Jared: Great. Anyhoo, what did you “holy” beings think of Steve Jobs’ recent keynote speech at Macworld?

Abel: Dude, do you really think we have to wait for the keynote to find out what’s new? Did I forget to mention I have awesome powers? Let me put it this way: when Steve goes into the bathroom to practice his keynote, he’s not alone. Just you wait; Jobs only touched the tip of the iceberg.

Jared: I can’t wait. So what happens to people when they get to the Pearly Gates and St. Peter says, “Sorry, your blog doesn’t validate as XHTML 1.0 Strict”?

Abel: He dips you in boiling oil and sells you to KFC. Ha, no. They’re actually pretty lenient with that. You’re more likely to get shipped the Hell in a Hyundai for bigger sins, like using a <p> tag when an <h1> tag will do. Ol’ Pete understands the value of validation, but also understands that content management software can oftentimes be the spawn of The Devil. Sometimes bad code is just not your fault, and heaven is down with the “doing your best” mantra.

Jared: Is it true that angels play harps? That seems kinda lame. Don’t sign me up for an angel gig if that’s the only instrument I can get up there.

Abel: Hah, they’re quite a sophisticated bunch aren’t they? From my understanding, they no longer use instruments. It’s all digital. Angel coming down from heaven? Those aren’t trumpets sounding. That’s GarageBand, fool.

Jared: Sweet! So have you seen Hell yet?

Abel: Only from screenshots, various Flickr groups, and descriptions of John Oxton’s bathroom. As far as I can tell, purgatory actually has many levels. There is a special place reserved for PowerPoint, spacer GIFs, and our pal Jakob Neilson.

Jared: Ouch. Is it true that sIFR is going to get Inman and Davidson sainted?

Abel: They’re pretty much shoe-ins. You know how saints have to perform three miracles while living on Earth to be considered for sainthood? Well, apparently getting CSS junkies to use Flash counts as at least 3 miracles, because there are golden Porches and extra bright halos waiting for those guys. God hearts sIFR.

Jared: Well, that’s all I can think of for now. I think I touched on all the important points.

Abel: Yeah, that just about sums it up. Even though I’m dead, be sure to look out for my upcoming redesign of airios.com. Peace, I’m out.

⇡

Comments

Josh Dura » 27 January 2006 #

It is truly a sad day. I am sure the services will be a very beautiful thing…

Jared Christensen » 27 January 2006 #

Wasn’t it his dying request to be shot out of a cannon? I’m so there.

David Hemphill » 27 January 2006 #

This is freakin’ hilarious. I never knew death could be so funny. But Heaven uses Windows? Bah!

Mark Wubben » 27 January 2006 #

Jared, great post. But could you do me a favour, when you get in touch with Abel again, could you ask him if there’s a place reserved for me, too? I’d like some peace of mind :-)

Rock on.

Josh Dura » 27 January 2006 #

Jared: yeah, but I think he wanted to be shot out of a cannon while inside his Mini Cooper, while aimed directly at a wall. If this is the truth, then yes, I am so there.

Nathan Smith » 27 January 2006 #

I think this interview ties in well with Garrett’s recent article. :)

Hillarious, by the way. I’m looking forward to the divine redesign.

Garrett » 27 January 2006 #

Nathan – Actually, I was just telling Jared this at lunch. His site is basically the one that keeps me going. Who needs web standards when you have enterainment like this.

Thanks J. You’re my hero.

Wilson Miner » 30 January 2006 #

I was dead before it was cool to be dead. Garrett and Abel are just riding my death meme.

Jared Christensen » 30 January 2006 #

Garrett isn’t dead. Just Abel.

José Maria Ruiz » 1 February 2006 #

It is truly a sad day. I have only come to find out that my friend and confidant, Abel “Dinty Moore” Rios is dead. It saddens me not only because I have to find out about it in this interview but also because he owed me some money. You see, back about a couple years ago, he needed some bread to pay his electricity bill, so being the good buddy that I was I dug deep into my pockets, starved my children and gave him all I had. So with that said, Able if your reading this, please send a check or money order in my name. Don’t be cheap!

I love you

Jonathan » 4 February 2006 #

This is hilarious!

“Heaven has no comment on that one.”

Mike » 9 March 2006 #

Looking forward to the redesign ….

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