Filed under "Humor"

A Suggested TV Commercial Script for Tobacco Lobbyists.

25 January 2009 • Filed under ,

Guys, this meme has been working wonders for the high fructose corn syrup cause. Maybe it’ll help take the heat off you, too. [Scene: a youthful couple is enjoying a picnic on a sunny day in the park.] Mary: Hey, John. Would you like to take a drag off my cigarette? John [ignorantly]: What, are you trying to kill me? Mary [recoiling at John’s insanity]: What? No! It’s just a cigarette. John [like a putz]: Yeah, and you know what they say about cigarettes… Mary [bravely standing up for what she believes in]: …


How to Write an Episode of Fringe.

15 October 2008 • Filed under ,

Open the show with a scene of some random person with “special abilities” wreaking havoc on innocent people. Agent Dunham and the X-Squad to the rescue! Insert predictable field research scenes with lots of confused & incredulous looks. Peter “Pacey” Bishop says something stunningly witty and passively crushes on Agent Dunham. Dr. Bishop says or does something nutty. Conflict! Dr. Bishop proposes some crazy solution to contain the situation. The doctor’s zany solution works! What luck! The X-Squad saves the day! Optional: Agent Dunham sees dead people. Queue ominous music. Creepy Thin Man Who Never Blinks …


How iPhone Has Changed My Life, Solved World Hunger and Given My Car A High-Gloss Wax Job.

3 August 2008 • Filed under ,

Okay, perhaps that headline is a bit overblown. I’ve never owned a smartphone. In fact, I’ve owned dumb phones. Very dumb phones. Like, “Hay, muh name is Cletus. The internets? Ain’t that the little stretchy net on th’ ping-pong table?” dumb. So my switch to the iPhone was probably more filled with magic and unicorns than the average person’s. I mused about what life with an iPhone would mean a while back, and I now know that I nailed it. I didn’t need an iPhone. That is to say, …


I Have A Fever, And The Only Prescription Is More... iPhone?

24 March 2008 • Filed under ,

Apple products have a way of engaging me in a little game I like to call “Buy Me First And Then Let Me Deliciously Reveal, With Panache And Nuance, My Usefulness Later On Down The Road.” It kills at parties. The way the game is played goes like this: Apple rolls a D6 die and unveils an incredible new product. I desire this new product like that little chihuahua craved Taco Bell. Apple’s advertising and general peer adoption make me hate myself for not owning Shiny New Gadget™. Back in my corner, I resist consumerist urges by …


How To Architect a Critical Software Update.

19 November 2007 • Filed under ,

Don’t update your customers on how the update is going on your Home page. This is called “creating hype and mystique.” Maintain radio silence on your blog for 3 weeks after your initial “we are working on an update” post. This builds buzz and sizzle. Don’t update the product page with information on when your customers might expect the update. No one would look there anyways, right? Keep all discussion about the update confined to a poorly-constructed message board thread. And by “thread” I mean thread with lame navigation. …


Ten Things To Do While Waiting for AT&T to Hook Up Your Internet Service

21 August 2007 • Filed under ,

Grow a beard. Read several dozen books. Watch several dozen movies. Learn to crochet. Peel lots and lots of potatoes. Attempt to measure the depth of your disappointment. Take up a new hobby, like microbiology or cheese. Purchase a variety of wiring from Lowe’s and build your own internet. Reincarnate yourself as a DSL technician. Enjoy a nice long coma.


Re-brand New.

1 April 2007 • Filed under

Several minutes ago, I finally started on a 100% new and original logo design — something I’d been meaning to do for hours. It went rather quickly, playing with four curly brackets set in Avenir Myriad Pro that created a totally original, unstolen frame around a capital “J”. I used Myriad Pro for maximum originalness. This 100% original idea finally gave me something I didn’t hate the next day for being stolen from someone else. I’m excited to have a mark that I didn’t steal and will be flexible going forward, and …


Five Things (You Didn't Know) About Me.

13 January 2007 • Filed under

With the whole of north Texas on the cusp of what all the TV stations are dubbing The Arctic Blast™, I figure I’ve got all the time I need to write that meme Nathan sent me like forever ago. So without further ado, here are five things you really didn’t know about me: In June of 1215, I wrote the Magna Carta. Yes, the document that is heralded by such fine sources as Wikipedia as “one of the most important legal documents in the history of democracy.” Blah blah blah. Hey, times were tough. As …


Regarding The Dismal State of Fortunes.

27 November 2006 • Filed under

Kids, one of my favorite things about eating at Chinese-type establishments is fortune cookies. And it’s not just that thick cookie crunch that draws me — it’s the idea of a message hidden inside, too. Now maybe it’s just a false memory (kind of like how great steak tastes inside the Matrix), but I seem to remember fortune cookies being a lot more interesting that anything I’ve noticed lately. My wife and I met up with our Dead Friend™ Abel and his fiancée (not dead) for dinner this …


Carbine Action.

26 November 2006 • Filed under ,

With the Thanksgiving holiday now behind us, there is clearly only one logical theatrical choice to usher in the imminent Christmas season. Get thee to a television set.


The Making of a Lovable Mascot.

25 September 2006 • Filed under ,

Resembles perfect cube of poop? Check. Represents edible food in spite of poop-like properties? Check. Communicates with creepy giggles and hugs? Check. Leaves messy brown smears on all who touch him? Check. Interactive site is made available en español so that El Blocko de Poopo can be enjoyed by all Americanos? Check.


Peter Chernin Is The New Ron Burgundy.

13 September 2006 • Filed under

“If you look at virtually any Web 2.0 application, whether its[sic] YouTube, whether it’s Flicker[sic],* whether it’s Photobucket or any of the next-generation Web applications, almost all of them are really driven off the back of MySpace.” – Peter Chernin   “I don’t know how to put this, but… I’m kind of a big deal.” – Ron Burgundy Source *Flicker? Seriously?


Nina Gordon is Totally My Friend.

18 August 2006 • Filed under

I don’t even know where to begin. I feel so honored. First of all I’d like to thank Nina herself for friending me. I’ve thought it would be cool to be Nina’s friend since back in the day when she was shredding it up with Veruca Salt. Our friendship is young, but I just know that we’re totally going to be IMing soon and sharing inside jokes. Oh, it’ll be the best, hanging out backstage and stuff. I can’t wait! I’d also like to …


Carte Blanche.

3 August 2006 • Filed under ,

Hey, friend! Has this ever happened to you? Client: “Hi there, Designer. How’s the new website coming?” Designer: “Oh, just swell! I’ve added a big orange aquafied “Buy now!” button here on your homepage, set up your blog, given you RSS 2.0 syndication and enabled customer tagging on all your products. Not to mention the fact that I’ve used no less than 24 gradients, drop shadows on everything and big friendly fonts for that youthful, warm, feel-good vibe.” Client: “Uh… you do remember that …


How To Create a Tightly-Controlled Online Advertising Environment Poorly Disguised as a Social Network.

24 July 2006 • Filed under ,

Watch an episode of “That 70’s Show” that all the kids are watching, appropriate the name of Eric, Kelso, Fez & the gang’s favorite hangout and hope no one notices said appropriation. Make really bad typographic and color decisions for that ultra-successful “undesigned” look that’s going around. Create a fictional tween named “Ashley.” Include pictures of “Ashley” but don’t let anyone get a good look at her by offering larger views of the pics. The internet is full of dirty awful stalkers, you know. Have “Ashley” upload a “homemade” video where …


Greetings, Meat Balloons.

30 June 2006 • Filed under

How’s it going, tender bellies? Since Mr. Digital has been oh so busy and neglected you electrolyte sacks for the past week, I’ve decided it’s high time I stepped in and wrestled control introduced myself. My name is Skippy, and I’m a robot. No, I do not attack old people and steal their medicine. That’s what Republicans are for. Anyways, I’m the sexy metal Romeo gracing the header of this interweb page. Some of my personal heros are HAL, Megatron and the Terminator (before he got all soft …


You Might Be A Designer If...

14 June 2006 • Filed under ,

You walk around the Washington DC on your vacation and are as equally fascinated by the pervasive use of Clarendon as you are by the giant sample of brain coral on display at the Natural History Museum. You veto eating at a restaurant for purely aesthetic reasons (e.g. “it looks like Grandma’s basement threw up in there.”, “I’m not eating cheese sticks next to an overturned canoe, a velvet painting of Elvis and tackle box! I don’t care how ‘Americana’ it is!”, etc.). You’ve ever referred to Myriad Pro Semibold as …


What Web Designers Really Want for Valentine's Day.

13 February 2006 • Filed under ,

.truelove { corners: rounded; corners-radius: 5px; gradient: vertical; gradient-top: #000; gradient-bottom: #555; border: 2px solid #fff; dropshadow: yes; dropshadow-opacity: 50%; dropshadow-color: #000; dropshadow-x-offset: right 5px; dropshadow-y-offset: bottom 5px; } Happy Valentine’s Day. One day we will all find .truelove.


Abel Is Dead.

27 January 2006 • Filed under

You may remember Abel as the guy whose website has been was permanently glued to the front page of CSS Vault for the past 6 months (or more). Such exposure is definitely not for the faint of heart, and after reading scores of emails which astutely pointed out validation errors on airios.com, Abel’s head must have exploded, because his site has not been updated in months. I emailed Abel to see what was going on. Why no new content, bro? I received the following email response: ------------------------ Dear Jared, I'm dead. Best, Abel ------------------------ Egads! Through a wacky …


Things to Remember When Working for The Man.

21 January 2006 • Filed under

The Man is always trying to bring you down. Don’t let the lure of opportunity and false accomplishment fool you. The Man wants you to fail because failure always fits well into any business model. The Man owns all your organs and bodily fluids. Check the fine print in your contract, short stack. The Man only hired you just so he could crush your dreams. All of that time and money spent interviewing you, drawing up contracts and trying to recruit you is just a smokescreen for more sinister plans. And he knows it’s money well …


Hair Nation.

19 January 2006 • Filed under ,

Since my car is currently in the shop getting a nip and a tuck, I have a rental car. And that rental car has a product of the modern world that I have nary encountered: Sirius satellite radio. Satellite radio has more “stations” that the entire AM/FM band combined, so it’s been fun exploring various stations on my travel time to and from work. This morning I ventured 2 stations down from my current fave, Left of Center, and had my entire early teenage years slapped back in my face. “Seventeen” by Winger …


An Open Letter to the Driver of a 1996 Honda Civic.

19 September 2005 • Filed under

Ah, rush hour. Cars pack together in anticipation of going home to rest and relaxation. It’s Friday, and traffic is slow. Everyone’s a bit edgy. As you pull up next to me in the adjacent lane, stereo thumping in ways that shouldn’t be legal, I recall a dream I once had. Actually, it’s not so much a dream as a recurring daydream. At any rate, it brings a smile to my face. And here’s why: In this daydream, you are interchangeable with any obnoxiously loud vehicle that happens to be …


A Tale of Ink and Paper.

25 July 2005 • Filed under ,

Last Saturday I was typing up some papers that had to be printed out when the inkjet printer that came free with my computer purchase informed me that my black ink was about to run out. I shouldn’t have been surprised; as these el cheapo printers get more compact and “space-efficient,” so do the ink cartridges. Typically, by the time I get to the store I’m already cross and ready to rumble because it feels like it would probably be cheaper to get mugged in some dark alley than pay for a 2 inch by …


A Typical Day.

13 June 2005 • Filed under

Well, today was going to be the day that I posted my writeup revealing The Answer To Everything, but since Garrett hit me upside with this Madlibs meme business, you’ll have to wait a few more days to find meaning in your existence. And it goes a little something like this: A typical day for J to the Dizzital. On a typical day I wake up, wash the papaya residue from my armpits and put on my chinos. I say goodbye to Zsa Zsa Gabor and I jet to a space staion where I am a designer. I …


Sweet Fancy Moses! I've Become A Web Standards Elitist?

10 December 2004 • Filed under ,

It was such a smooth transition, unlike the rambunctious sneak attack I might have expected. Little did I know, when I dove into the web standards pool, that I would become a nitpicking fault-finder. January 2004: I begin my year like any other, wishing I had a million dollars. Resigning to the fact that I will indeed have to hold down a job for the rest of my life, I head off to work. Once there, I continue designing and developing whatever project I had going on at the time, every once in a while taking a deserved break …


© Jared Christensen

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