Filed under "Complaints"

Brand Insecurities on Display: MVMT Watches

18 May 2016 • Filed under ,

Honestly, the idea of writing a blog post about a beef I have with some random company feels plenty distasteful, but sometimes the situation leaves one feeling like they have no other recourse. Ideally, someone googling for MVMT or Chrono Black/Tan Leather watch will be able to read this this and draw their own conclusions. It all started with an email from MVMT Watches to review the watch I had recently purchased — a fetching Chrono Black/Tan Leather. “Tell us what you think!” the email said. Here’s what I wrote: Very Stylish (4 stars) Overall, I’…

A Suggested TV Commercial Script for Tobacco Lobbyists.

25 January 2009 • Filed under ,

Guys, this meme has been working wonders for the high fructose corn syrup cause. Maybe it’ll help take the heat off you, too. [Scene: a youthful couple is enjoying a picnic on a sunny day in the park.] Mary: Hey, John. Would you like to take a drag off my cigarette? John [ignorantly]: What, are you trying to kill me? Mary [recoiling at John’s insanity]: What? No! It’s just a cigarette. John [like a putz]: Yeah, and you know what they say about cigarettes… Mary [bravely standing up for what she believes in]: …

How to Write an Episode of Fringe.

15 October 2008 • Filed under ,

Open the show with a scene of some random person with “special abilities” wreaking havoc on innocent people. Agent Dunham and the X-Squad to the rescue! Insert predictable field research scenes with lots of confused & incredulous looks. Peter “Pacey” Bishop says something stunningly witty and passively crushes on Agent Dunham. Dr. Bishop says or does something nutty. Conflict! Dr. Bishop proposes some crazy solution to contain the situation. The doctor’s zany solution works! What luck! The X-Squad saves the day! Optional: Agent Dunham sees dead people. Queue ominous music. Creepy Thin Man Who Never Blinks …

Friend Me?

27 August 2008 • Filed under ,

Hooray, stream of consciousness time. One of the things that has constantly bothered me about social networks, and make me take pause as I interact with them, is the exclusive, unchangeable use of the word “friend” to describe the relationship you are about to enter into with others. I actually have a queue of friend requests stagnating at each and every social networking site I belong to because I just don’t feel like I’m “friends” with these individuals. And I feel guilty, because even though I know that the web wants me to accept a very …

Ecosystems of Failure.

19 March 2008 • Filed under ,

A brief conversation in the car ride down to SXSW brought to my mind a topic that I’ve been thinking about for a while now. We were discussing the lucrative opportunities and pay offered to individuals who are experienced in simply installing and configuring a certain piece of behemoth enterprise software. It was proposed that if this software was designed better, the jobs of these “configurers” might be much less valuable. Which led me to recount to my captive audience a scene in the movie The Fifth Element. Simply put — for those unfamiliar with the movie, Cornelius (…

How To Architect a Critical Software Update.

19 November 2007 • Filed under ,

Don’t update your customers on how the update is going on your Home page. This is called “creating hype and mystique.” Maintain radio silence on your blog for 3 weeks after your initial “we are working on an update” post. This builds buzz and sizzle. Don’t update the product page with information on when your customers might expect the update. No one would look there anyways, right? Keep all discussion about the update confined to a poorly-constructed message board thread. And by “thread” I mean thread with lame navigation. Be very cryptic when responding to …

Ten Things To Do While Waiting for AT&T to Hook Up Your Internet Service

21 August 2007 • Filed under ,

Grow a beard. Read several dozen books. Watch several dozen movies. Learn to crochet. Peel lots and lots of potatoes. Attempt to measure the depth of your disappointment. Take up a new hobby, like microbiology or cheese. Purchase a variety of wiring from Lowe’s and build your own internet. Reincarnate yourself as a DSL technician. Enjoy a nice long coma.

Movie Time.

30 May 2006 • Filed under ,

It seems that some movies these days are too content to be mediocre. Too many times I leave the theatre thinking “I could have done better than that.” And that’s sad, because I supposedly know nothing of filmmaking, really. But what I do know is a good story; plotlines, surprising reveals, dialogue, character development, subtlety. Ah, subtlety. The Da Vinci Code rammed subtlety down my throat. But I digress. In light of my disappointment with today’s modern cinema, I have come up with three very plausible theories to explain Hollywood’s shortcomings: Theory 1: You&#…

Call of Duty 2: My Review

22 November 2005 • Filed under ,

I love WW2 FPS games. I started off with Medal Of Honor: Allied Assault years ago, and was blown away when Call Of Duty was released. Visually and technically, it was leaps and bounds beyond the competition. Have times changed? With the gifting season upon us, I review what I like and dislike about the newest addition to the Call of Duty lineup. Single Player Though I haven’t finished the missions, Single Player mode seems to be very well done. There are new weapons, objectives, and theatres of combat. The graphics are amazing! Those who have played the …

Dear SunnComm.

16 November 2005 • Filed under

Dear SunnComm, Please be so kind as to jump off a cliff. Yes, any cliff will do. Too harsh? I don’t think so. When I first put my new Imogen Heap CD in my computer, I read and declined your EULA. But guess what? You installed files anyways. That’s right, I declined your request to install files and you did it anyways. I don’t know what they do, and I don’t care. You weren’t invited. How about this? I’ll bring some boxes of old magazines over to your …

A Tale of Ink and Paper.

25 July 2005 • Filed under ,

Last Saturday I was typing up some papers that had to be printed out when the inkjet printer that came free with my computer purchase informed me that my black ink was about to run out. I shouldn’t have been surprised; as these el cheapo printers get more compact and “space-efficient,” so do the ink cartridges. Typically, by the time I get to the store I’m already cross and ready to rumble because it feels like it would probably be cheaper to get mugged in some dark alley than pay for a 2 inch by …

When 1994 Attacks.

21 June 2005 • Filed under ,

Ah, 1994. OJ’s low-speed police chase makes the Ford Bronco famous. Nancy Kerrigan survives Tanya Harding’s hit squad. Thousands of young men start rocking the “Ross Gellar” haircut. Good times. Good times? Not entirely. Some things are best left behind. Forever. I came home last night to an email sent by a former colleague of mine. Sometime last year we had landed a client in the beauty pageant business. It was an exciting opportunity to work up designs that were more classy and more fashionable than our ususal fare. My friend and co-…

Your Restaurant Needs A Redesign.

6 June 2005 • Filed under

In this, my time of transition, I have had increased exposure to the “bar-and-grill” variety of restaurant. As utensils have been packed or The Wife has been out of town, I have frequented a fair number of what I consider to be “mid-level” eateries; sit-down establishments in the vein of Chili’s or TGI Friday’s. Though it is certainly nothing to make me never go back, I have noticed an unusual practice begin to take root. It may be that I am witness to some sort of non-standard formula, and that this …

Customer Disservice.

10 February 2005 • Filed under

Is it just me, or is customer service hitting an all-time low? It all started yesterday with an epic search for a replacement battery for my APC battery backup power supply, which woke me up in the middle of the night with hideous warning beeps. At about 10:00, I called Best Buy to see if they had what I needed. After getting the store’s “We’re Closed” phone message, I went back to work. Ten minutes later, the store’s phone system still insisted that the store was closed — even though any geek …

All Puppies Eventually Grow Up.

16 November 2004 • Filed under ,

A recent article by revered Atlanta-based designer Todd Dominey sparked some thoughts that have been sitting on my backburner. When I began my current job here at G2E, we had something to prove. We were an unknown design company in a big city that has, historically, not fostered much growth in the new media field. Although the company had actually been around for a few years, no one really knew about us. With an influx of investor capital came the opportunity to hire new designers (like me, in May 2003), buy new equipment, and make a name for ourselves. …

Breaking News? Let's Fix It.

15 November 2004 • Filed under

Last night, about 10 minutes into my favorite show in the whole wide world — Extreme Makeover: Home Edition — the commercial break was interrupted by a breaking local news story: A small, single-engine aircraft has crashed on the roof of a San Antonio retirement home. The incliment weather could be to blame, but we’re not sure. No one from the home has been injured, but it is believed that the pilot has been killed in the impact. We’ll keep you up to date. Fine. This event is actually quite worthy of a news break, …

© Jared Christensen

Just hang with me and my weather.

Subscribe with RSS: Writing | Links