- The Man is always trying to bring you down. Don’t let the lure of opportunity and false accomplishment fool you. The Man wants you to fail because failure always fits well into any business model.
- The Man owns all your organs and bodily fluids. Check the fine print in your contract, short stack.
- The Man only hired you just so he could crush your dreams. All of that time and money spent interviewing you, drawing up contracts and trying to recruit you is just a smokescreen for more sinister plans. And he knows it’s money well spent, because crushing dreams equals massive profit.
- The Man is sometimes a woman. Woah, I just blew your mind.
- The Man is not interested in progressive ideas, so take all that Ruby on Railroad Tracks talk elsewhere, because The Man ain’t havin’ it. The Man knows that progressive ideas are for commies and nar-do-wells.
- The Man is not interested in growing your skills. After all, what’s to be gained from such a radical approach? I’ll tell you what: a bunch of kids with a cavalier “Web 2.0” attitude, MacBooks and Threadless t-shirts, that’s what. Certainly nothing good could come from that crowd.
- The Man secretly owns Ruby on Rails. Sucker.
- And finally, The Man does not wear Sex Panther. Only guys with cool last names like Fantana and Dimon can tame that beast. This is a failsafe method of determining whether or not you work for The Man.
This just in: I do not work for The Man. Never have. I think his name is Chuck, but I don’t know because I’ve never worked for him. Apparently I need to clarify that this post is not autobiographical. Please restrict its use to the funny bone. If taken internally, call 911 immediately so that they can operate on your sense of humor.