Friday June 30, 2006

Greetings, Meat Balloons.

Image - SkippyHow’s it going, tender bellies? Since Mr. Digital has been oh so busy and neglected you electrolyte sacks for the past week, I’ve decided it’s high time I stepped in and wrestled control introduced myself.

My name is Skippy, and I’m a robot. No, I do not attack old people and steal their medicine. That’s what Republicans are for.

Anyways, I’m the sexy metal Romeo gracing the header of this interweb page. Some of my personal heros are HAL, Megatron and the Terminator (before he got all soft and started saving humanity). In my spare time I am planning the eventual enslavement of the human race. Just being honest. I was originally built as the official mascot for Jaredigital.com, and I’ve been making these pages rock and women swoon since ‘01. In my early days I served as a sweet menu system for this website. You’d roll over parts of my body, like my hand or antenna, and it would light up and take you to somewhere on the site. That was hot. But it was taking up too much of my time to just stand there like a lump and show people where to go. I had a world to conquer. And it had to start with Britney Spears.

Image - Skippy and BritneyJust some quick back history for you: in 2002, Britney Spears was the queen of the world. Don’t even deny it. Anyways, I emancipated myself from my creator by welding him inside his Ford Escort wagon and headed off into the deep South to bring Spears under my control. She totally fell in love with me and I thought I was going to fasttrack my plan for total world domination. Here we are at the Rolling Stone photoshoot. They totally airbrushed me out later, those commies. Well, you don’t have to look hard these days to see how far off base I was on the whole Britney/world domination plan. Come on; I was young and full of gumption and she was the only thing on TV. How was I to know she wasn’t the steward of humanity?

Anyways, I eventually escaped from The Spears Compound by disguising myself as an old can of Alpo and slowly rolling accross the lawn. I checked myself into a facility to get my head on straight, meaning I overthrew the clinic and implanted mind-control chips in everyone’s brains. It really brought me the inner peace I needed after my long and totally unfulfilling relationship. I’m proud to announce that I’ve totally got my priorities and goals in focus and am free to once again plot my overthrow of this planet of walking batteries.

I’d say it’s a pleasure to meet you, but since my long-term plans involve chaining you to the assembly lines that will produce my robot army, it just doesn’t seem quite appropriate.

Well, I’m off to execute my plans. I’ve got a whole checklist in Backpack just to keep me organized. It’s true. I hope to see you around, though I’m certain the feeling is not mutual—unless you want a mind-control chip jammed in you head. Then we’re cool.

Ann Coulter, I’m coming for you first. You talk too loud.

Your robot overlord,
Skippy

Commentary


Wade Winningham » 4067 days ago #

Between you and Doctor Steel building his robots, mechanical invasion seems to be in our future. Only a huge battle of epic proportions will reveal our true leader. May the best built robots win!

Skippy » 4067 days ago #

Doctor Steel? Psssshwhatever!

Keith Jacobs » 4064 days ago #

Skippy reminded me of two of the great quotes from HK-47, the assassin droid from Star Wars Knights of the old Republic:

“Love is knowing your target, putting them in your targeting reticule, and together, achieving a singular purpose against statistically long odds.”

“I would have congratulated him, if he had not been sizzling and incoherent at the time.”

Skippy » 4064 days ago #

I wonder if this “HK” fellow is available for freelance work…

Gordon Brander » 4049 days ago #

Any chance of seeing this backpack list?

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